Yesterday, I reminded myself that I am not the man I used to be. I drank lots of beer during the Sens game, and then promptly crashed during dinner, because I can’t drink like I used to, so I stopped drinking, so I crashed. Anyway, as a remedy, I decided I would watch a shitty movie and rejuvenate myself. There are always shitty movies on digital cable, after all.

Firstly, Caged Terror (aka Golden Apples of the Sun…I’m serious) is Canadian. That’s its first problem. To call it a “horror” film would be a disservice to the word horror, and calling it a thriller to the word thriller.

The movie begins with a supposedly artsy montage that suggests that this film is like many ’70s b-movies, movies that have far more to say than they rightfully should. You know what I mean, there are lots out there. Movies that have horrible production values but remain awesome. Well, any such belief re this movie is utterly misplaced. Over the montage is some reporter discussing what sounds like the concept of “social pollution” in the urban environment. All this is apparently very meaningful. The first “scene” instantly tells you what this is going to be like. Some dude asks some chick if she wants to go to some place in the country. She tentatively agrees. We don’t know who they are or how long they’ve known each other or anything, except for the fact that they are pretending to work together and they are both bad actors. He calls her, as if she hadn’t agreed, and she agrees again. And I think there was another montage in there somewhere. While they are walking (walking!) to this cottage (which, though recommended by Jerome, is not owned by Jerome or anywhere near civilization) we are introduced to the only other two actors in the film, by the fact that they appear for the first time (and for the only time in the first half of the film) walking above their names in the credits. They are Jarvis and “The Troubador.”

The couple, who evidently know each other better than we thought, walk and walk and walk and walk and don’t talk much. They get to a bridge, the bridge ain’t that sturdy, so they don’t cross it and walk back the other way. Suddenly they are across the river. Suddenly Richard is fishing and she keeps going, and then she realizes he’s stopped and comes back (one of the many times where one thinks the movie is almost entirely improvised). She doesn’t like him killing fish. He likes telling her she’s naive and wrong about everything. This relationship will last. When he stops fishing, they go the opposite way than they were going. It’s clearly autumn (hence the golden apples) yet they go swimming. Later they talk about how it could snow (and Richard is shown in a snowbank at one point).

They show up at this ‘cottage’ (an abandoned farm, presumably picked because they filmmakers had to pay no one for the use of it) which happens to have a giant bird cage (uh-oh, that’s where the terror must come in!). All this time the guy pretty much acts like an asshole, by the way. The girl gets all scared. She finds an apple, which has just been bitten into. Later this disappears for no apparent reason. They eat dinner (they actually make the dinner on film, and it might have been their meal for the night). Then Jarvis (who is ex-army and black, by the way) and Troub (which is his nickname) show up and act somewhat threateningly. They sing a song. This song seems creepy in that it describes somewhat what Richard and the chick were doing on their way to the shack. That is to say, the Stalkers sing about their stalking to the stalkees. That has the potential for awesomeness, and hopefully one day someone will use that in a better film. In this case though they have just used the lines from a Yeats poem (at least that’s what the credits tell me) and so the filmmakers made their actions correspond to the lyrics, generally removing what little creepiness that might have actually appeared. Richard, who evidently likes to be in charge, doesn’t like these guys.

When they come back and stand outside talking and laughing, Richard shoots at them. This causes the “terror.” While Richard is running around in the dark with a rifle, Jarvis locks Janet in a cupboard. This causes her to lose consciousness for quite a while (I guess that’s what happens when you get locked in a cupboard). By the way, the lighting in the night scenes is non-existent, so half the time you can’t see anything. When they find Richard, they talk about putting him in the cage, and say the word “cage” over and over. They drag him out there slowly, and proceed to spend ages tying him to the cage, rather than just shutting the door. It is evident from the use of “cage” that they didn’t have much of a script. Their tying job suggests they hadn’t rehearsed the scene beforehand. Eventually Jarvis gets Janet from her cupboard and as she is now unconscious, kisses her repeatedly and feels her up in front of the “caged” Richard. I guess this is the “terror”. Eventually, Janet, who though scared of Jarvis and Troub seemed to think them decent people, regains consciousness and makes out with Jarvis. The sun starts to rise, and we see Janet saying goodbye to Jarvis and Troub and walking back to Richard, who remains tied to the cage. The End.

Throughout the movie:

• tons of artsy shots
• very little talking for very long stretches (did the sound guy leave for some scenes?)
• music rather than dialogue in many scenes
• over-dubbed lines that they must not have remembered to shoot scenes for
• nature footage

Apparently, something meaningful is happening the whole time. This is best embodied by the fact that the ostensible protagonist is actually the bad guy, if there is one. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean, but clearly they meant something.

Wow, it hurts just thinking about it.

By the way, you may think the description sounds awesome, but it isn’t anywhere near “so bad it’s good.” It’s just boring.