2004, Personal

Grades

Listening to Neil Young on my computer. I won’t rant about how awesome he is.

The other day (Thursday!) when I went to pick up an essay for a class (worth 50% of my mark) I was more nervous about a mark than I have been in 3 or more years. I can’t remember really the last time I was so nervous about seeing a grade. So, being me, I had to think about why.

I had a calculator to prove to myself that even if I just barely passed the assignment (that’s a 70 in grad school) I would still probably have an -A average for the semester (which is what I need if I want to apply for a PhD). So, rationally I knew that it was not that big a deal. Yet I somehow managed to convince myself that I had written a horrible paper (it wasn’t very good, but it wasn’t horrible) .

I thought about the various things I couldn’t do better to the point where, when I thought about the grade, my heart rate would increase. And I couldn’t do anything (calculate my marks, tell myself that they’re not about to fail anyone (which they aren’t), etc) to convince myself otherwise. So I went to school nervous. Sure, I occasionally feel slightly nervous before a pres or before TAing for the first time in a while, but not like this. And usually I have a fatalistic attitude towards grades. And usually I am able to know that I will receive least something decent.

Why did this happen?

It was definitely partly my fault. I deliberately convinced myself that I did a very bad job.

The program or somebody has made me care, somehow, about my marks. More so than when I was an undergrad. I don’t quite understand how this has happened. When I failed Adv Cal 2 last year, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. But I feel like these grades matter when they probably don’t.

There are other reasons I’m sure.

The reason for this discussion? I have work to do (my last essay of the semester) and I really don’t want to do it. I have 6/10 pages and it’s due before 2:30 on Monday. Plenty of time, right? Exactly. I don’t have enough pressure yet. It’s annoying though. Because tomorrow will be a pain.

Be seeing you.

1 Comment

  1. Anonymous says:

    so…what did you get??
    you are leaving me in suspense!

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