This is not one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen but it is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen with a cast this notable, which, for me, makes it feel worse.

The following people are in this film:

• Dennis Hopper
• Debi Mazar
• Stephen Dorf
• Charles Dance
• George Wendt
• a bunch of other people from Game of Thrones.

But it has the budget and effects of a film that doesn’t have people who were famous at the time in it.

And despite Gordon’s reputation for being an effects genius in the ’80s, most of the effects in the film are truly terrible. Yes, it was the ’90s, but it’s very clear there was no money here, despite Dennis Hopper having been in Speed recently and Stephen Dorf being at pretty much his peak popularity. The nadir might be the space billboard sequence but so much of the effects are brutal.

The film also constantly gets the zero gravity thing wrong. That’s to be expected, I guess, but the film would be better if they just inserted a throwaway line about artificial gravity and moved on. The mustard floats but the beer doesn’t?

It’s hard to really think about much the film gets right. The highlight of the movie is when Dance is trying to have sex with Mazar and his penis won’t work. This is the funniest the film gets – most of the other jokes do not land very well, and Hopper’s lines are only occasionally funny – and it takes a really long time to get there.

Speaking of which, at 96 minutes the film feels impossibly long. I groaned when the scene at the hospital started. I really couldn’t believe the film wasn’t done.

Something else of note: there’s a 30 year age difference between Hopper and Mazar and 22 years between Hopper and Crampton.

1/10