The Rezort (2015, Steve Barker)

Categories: 2015 and Movies.

The world has reached a new low when a Zombie Resort is a movie concept. The opening of this film is one of the most cliched and terrible openings of any film I’ve seen recently, featuring so much of that “static TV” shit as to be almost unbearable. (I almost turned it off.) Signs of the budget are everywhere, none more than the hilariously small boat to The Rezort. But basically this is Jurassic Park Zombies. (Only the park opened.) But, in order for this to happen, the “system” has to break and one of the most ridiculous aspects of Read More

Zoombies (2016, Glenn Miller)

Categories: 2016 and Movies.

I don’t go on Twitter much, but every so often I see a movie that I feel like the only true way to express its awfulness is through live tweeting. This is one of those movies. This film takes a routine zombie plot – infected monkeys infect others (always the damn monkeys! can’t whales get a turn?!?) – and makes it about as terrible as it could possibly be. I mean, the ineffectualness of everything in this film – save, perhaps, Ione Butler’s commitment to her character – is staggering. And there was so much of it that the only Read More

Dead Snow 2: Red Vs. Dead (Tommy Wirkola)

Categories: 2014 and Movies.

I know I should have watched the first movie first. But I’m not sure I care right now. Though this movie ruins the first with flashbacks, this is such an entertaining film, that I really don’t mind. Hopefully I’ll forget what I know by the time I get around to watching the first one. The first film took an over-the-top approach to an Evil Dead type story – instead of a book of the dead, we get Nazi gold. This film is basically the Army of Darkness to the first’s Evil Dead, only it’s not the Middle Ages, it’s now, Read More

The Colony (2013, Jeff Renfroe)

Categories: 2013 and Movies.

This film starts with some of the worst CGI snow I can remember seeing outside xXx. And things get worse from there. This movie begins with the at least somewhat intriguing premise of people locked inside buildings in a post-apocalyptic winter, threatened by the common cold. That’s an idea for a film. A sort of post-apocalyptic Das Boot meets The Thing without the monster or something. I think that’s a strong idea. Unfortunately… SPOILER ALERT Someone decided that wasn’t enough. Someone decided this movie needed the most obvious of bogeymen (well, not quite): Cannibals. In fact, they are cannibals that behave like Read More

World War Z (2013, Marc Foster)

Categories: 2013 and Movies.

This is a reasonable zombie film with some really neat ideas – it’s essentially a hybrid of a zombie film and a disease thriller – that suffers from some plot holes and an inexplicable rating, which makes it perhaps the least gory zombie movie I have ever seen. I mean, this is a zombie movie, there should be gore. Now, I haven’t read the source material, and I can understand why people who loved the book might hate this – evidently the source material is significantly different – but as a standalone movie this would have worked for me, even Read More

Rise of the Zombies (2012, Nick Lyon) aka 2013: Rise of the Zombies

Categories: 2012 and Movies.

So this movie starts off in the middle of a zombie plague which is confusing. Apparently this is somewhat of a non-sequel to the totally awesome Zombie Apocalypse. We didn’t know this. But it doesn’t matter. This film has a ton of famous people in it, some of whom do a terrible job and some of whom are way better than the material. The CGI is, of course, totally awful. The movie really doesn’t try very hard to explain how the zombies are everywhere, including places they shouldn’t be, or how things that should clearly prevent zombie intrusion fail. And Read More

The Dead Undead (2010, Matthew R. Anderson, Edward Conna)

Categories: 2010 and Movies.

“We call them ZVs; Zombie Vampires.” I am struggling with whether this is a 1/10 or a 2/10. The reason being is that despite how terrible this movie is, I felt like there were glimmers of bad-but-not-terrible-ness. For example: I laughed at at least one of their jokes, and I felt like a little bit (I stress ‘a little bit’) of the dialogue was actually at least well-intentioned, if not average. In fact, I was so sure there were glimpses of hope that I got in an argument with the wife about whether it was just bad or all-time bad Read More