Based on the title and on some moderately positive reviews I read at the time of its theatrical release, I was actually kind of looking forward to this despite – perhaps because of – its poor box office performance. But I don’t really know where to begin.

Putting aside, for a moment, the fact that this concept completely trivializes slavery – because apparently slavery wasn’t bad enough, they had to be vampires too – there are numerous things wrong with this movie. (As an aside, making the North the home of the vampires would have added a far more interesting dynamic.)

The CGI is terrible. Practically every action sequence in the film feels animated, because it pretty much is. And because we accept the premise of vampires does that mean physics goes out the window completely? Apparently.

The film takes itself awfully seriously – that, or it’s just a spectacularly unfunny comedy – which is somewhat shocking for a movie titled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I laughed perhaps twice in the entire film.

I am fine with adding vampires to history, but you should at least get the surrounding history right. But practically everything about Lincoln beyond his wife and a very vague career arc is wrong. His aides, his associates, his rivalry with Stephen Douglas, the Gettysburg Address, and so on, are all completely or partially invented or completely mishandled.

They don’t even get the geography right! I’ve been to Maryland and southern Pennsylvania and I can pretty much guarantee that train bridge’s existence was practically impossible. Nor is there a massive, and very dry, cliff near Lincoln’s home down, I suspect.

If you are going to make a movie about a historical figure killing vampires, you should try to get the history at least a little right and you should try to have a sense of humour. And you should probably try to get enough of a budget to afford decent CGI.

3/10