From the moment the narrator says the title with no emotion and no energy, you know you’re in for something with this movie. And, boy howdy, this is something.

SPOILERS!

The film supposedly takes place on a planet that has been colonized but it’s very clearly filmed in New York. Why they wouldn’t say it’s post apocalyptic New York to make up for all the things that say it’s New York, like the skyline and the sign that says “Central Park.” The air is supposedly unbreathable by certain people but two people who supposedly can’t breathe walk through the air. Despite the robot uprising, there are very few robots in the movie. The robots themselves are actually the most interesting part of the movie, as they are slightly more creative than everything else. However, the one good robot is a transparent C3PO ripoff. (The makeup is far and away the best part of this movie.)

People tell me the score is super derivative of Mysterious Island, a movie I have yet to see. Most of the cast is dressed like they are in a fantasy film not a science fiction film. There is this ball with smoke in it that is supposedly a crystal that supposedly allows anyone to see anything, but it’s just fog. The monsters they have to overcome are extremely lame: they include hand-puppets, the leg of a spider and what looks to be, as others have noted, a giant avocado. (Notably, the “Dark One” is not a robot.) When you see the outside of the “Power Station” (yes, that’s the name of the evil lair), it’s a painting.

All of that would likely make it among the shittier movies I’ve ever seen. However, what makes this movie among the worst movies I’ve ever seen and among the worst movies of the 1980s is the acting. The C3PO ripoff is far and away the most competent actor here and he’s hamming it up. As a mentioned, the narration is flat, but so is everybody who is on screen in a speaking role. It’s only those who are not shown talking who have any kind of animation in their lines, with one extremely notable exception. The main cast range from wooden to a little better than wooden – Neo is attempting to act (poorly) as is Jorn (better than that) but the rest of them are terrible. (Jorn’s daughter is particularly bad.)

But there is no preparing you for Valaria. The woman playing Valaria is one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen and, to judge by comments on the internet, one of the worst actors anyone has ever seen. As someone else noted, it’s like she’s anti-acting, trying to sabotage the film. It’s the performance of Valaria that really cements this film as one of the all-time bad films. If you are a fan of bad movies, you owe it to yourself to watchin this film solely for her performance. It’s something.

1/10